Did you know Frito-Lay owns the Miss Vickies brand? Seriously? The Jalapeño style reigns supreme in the world of fried, sliced potatoes. But what about Bacon Mac and Cheese? Cappuccino? And for you older (upperclassmen) readers, does Cheesy Garlic Bread come to mind? If it does, please continue whatever diet fad allows the body to stomach such a grotesque food product like Cheesy Garlic Bread Lay’s.

By now everyone has deduced what’s about to go down: Lay’s released another round of specialty chip flavors. And truthfully, none of them should not be in existence. History teaches that any type of such “experimental” flavors hold almost no merit in terms of ability to exist as a legitimate product for Frito-Lay. In fact, when I saw Mango Salsa on the shelves for the extremely short window in which they are available at my friendly Publix(Any of the Tampa locations- I will miss my neighborhood supermarket in college), I about transformed into the Hulk with rage, appalled by the notion that anyone would buy such a horror, a travesty that, surprisingly, someone bothered to buy.

But alas! I managed to not mention a single one of the new flavors for this year yet. In no order: Southern Biscuits and Gravy, New York Reuben, Greektown Gyro and West Coast Truffle Fries. But, for the sake of ranking, the latter of the chips will be ignored. No offense to the creator of the truffle fry chip, but making a french fry into a chip only involves changing how the potato is cut. Hey, Frito-Lay, here’s an idea! Cheesy Fry chips! Will I win a million dollars? No. This transition from fry to chip requires less effort than Kim Kardashian’s lazy rise to fame, and literally is the same thing as the fry. Oh, they weren’t half bad; just lose style points for originality, according to the critiquing scale I envisioned while typing about Cheesy Garlic Bread Lay’s (Awful, mind you).

Poetry can help describe the Greektown Gyro, in this two-liner: One nibble did my hangry mouth encounter- and minimal flavor did it meet it between my lips. Elegant, complex and mystical come to mind- when referring to the poem. If a blind taste test was performed, and anyone told me that it tasted like a sandwich covered in cucumber yogurt sauce, I would laugh annoyingly until I was told to stop. Along with many other chemical mysteries, sour cream appeared in the list of ingredients, but it hid from my taste buds. But luckily, if vegetarian/vegan, the delicious taste of meat can be found after eating a few handfuls of these horrid byproducts of potatoes. Out of a complex out of five rating, it gets a zero.

The Reuben kind of tasted like the sandwich it’s named for. Two stars it receives.

As a rebellious teen, I can rightfully say I am not a fan of gravy. Please keep chicken and biscuits away from the sloppy, thick mess that is any form of gravy. Raspberry jam belongs on biscuits, and chicken can basically be good with anything except salty gravy. But make gravy into a chip, and I’m sold. I scarfed down so many of these classic style goodies, I felt like breakfast had just wrapped up at Grandma’s house, and Grandma forced me to eat the rest of the biscuits she had made; the stomach pain was similar to eating those pound burgers found at pubs and diners, such as Cheeburger Cheeburger, located on Main Street at the University of Delaware(Twice dined at). If this chip was a high school football recruit, it’d a quick rising Four-Star; if a tennis player, Stan Wawrinka, the up-and-coming Swiss man bound for the semifinals of the U.S. Open. To quote recently revived focus of the KFC advertising campaign, a man who once shook my father’s hand at a franchise in Clearwater, Colonel Sanders: “It’s finger-licken’ good.”

So go try them, or don’t. It’s the easiest way to become a millionaire fast- unless entering DraftKings week one tournament this Saturday.